It’s happened before, but this time it started with shoes. Cute shoes. Booties, or wedges, or whatever you want to call them. I found a great deal online and ordered a pair on a whim, making sure I could return them when they (inevitably) hurt my feet. But when they arrived I was surprised to find that not only did they fit, they were cute AND comfortable! I was a little unsure how the style looked on me – I’m not a long legged gal; in fact, the term most people might use to describe my legs starts with “thunder” and ends with “thighs” – and I wondered if this style might make my legs look bigger. But in a moment of empoweredness I decided I liked them anyway. In fact, I loved them. Yes. Good.
Until I went to my daughter’s preschool Christmas program the next day and saw another mom wearing the exact same pair of shoes. A mom that’s at least six inches taller and 20 (ok maybe 30) pounds lighter than me. Her gorgeous slender legs just went on forever atop those adorable wedges. And suddenly I realized I could never wear my new shoes out of the house; they’d look absolutely ridiculous at the end of my short stumpy legs. I went home, taped them back into their box, and returned them the next day.
Watercolor background by Angie Makes. Printable by It’s Always Autumn. Free download here.
Now, I like to consider myself a fairly well-adjusted person. I’m usually pretty happy; I’m well aware of my limitations and my strengths and I’m usually ok with both. I don’t worry about my weight or appearance that often, but seeing my new shoes look so much better on someone else stole all the joy I had in them. Stole it clean away until I couldn’t wait to get those shoes out of my house.
Printable by It’s Always Autumn. Free download here.
Last year we were able to build a new home. It was quite an upgrade for us in terms of space and design. I love my new home. Like really really love it. It’s nicer than I’d ever imagined. But we live in a neighborhood full of new homes, many of which are larger than ours, and as I walk into my neighbors’ houses it’s really, really hard not to start thinking: wow, this laundry room is WAY bigger than mine, or: you know, I really wish we’d been able to add a third car garage. Along with those thoughts comes a creeping, nagging feeling that maybe my new home isn’t as great as I thought it was…and all of a sudden comparison is beginning to steal my joy in my new house. My brand new house that I love and that is absolutely big enough and nice enough in every single way. What the in the world is wrong with me?
If you asked me if I’m satisfied with my life I’d tell you truthfully that not only am I satisfied, I also feel incredibly lucky. But comparing what we have to what others have is a trap, an insidious trap that really does steal away our joy. Unfortunately, I think it’s a pretty universal trap: it may not be houses or shoes, but chances are there’s some part of your life that you regularly compare to others’ and find lacking. Maybe it feels like other people have more friends, or more money, or more talents. Maybe everyone else is a better mom, or has a better body, or drives a minivan with magic doors that open and close by themselves! (I’m still waiting for one of those.) The point is, everything that’s absolutely just fine (or even great!) in our life can start to seem lacking when we stop enjoying and start comparing. Because comparison is the thief of joy.
So how do we stop comparing and get our joy back? Here are some things that will help:
1 – It’s important to recognize what we’re doing and then. just. stop. Easier said than done, of course, but if we understand what’s going on it’s much easier to stop the comparison train before it gets out of the station. Be upfront with yourself about what comparison triggers you struggle with, and then talk yourself through them. Focus on the things you love and the things you’re grateful for. You might even want to try making a daily gratitude list so you can use it to remind yourself to stop wasting energy on comparisons. It will help.
Background image Designed by Freepik. Printable designed by It’s Always Autumn. Free download here.
2 – Remember that someone else’s success or good fortune doesn’t take anything away from you. It doesn’t. Your life is still exactly the same as it was before you heard about someone else’s better blog or cuter hairstyle or happier marriage. If it was good enough ten minutes ago, it’s still good enough right now. And if if wasn’t good enough before, it’s not any worse now. Instead of comparing, try to be inspired by others’ success. And be realistic: no one has it all. Even the people you see who appear to have everything are likely fighting battles you know nothing about.
Background image Designed by Freepik. Printable design by It’s Always Autumn. Free download here.
3 – Stop allowing social media to be your main form of connection with others. You ever notice that when a good friend calls you with great news, your first reaction is to feel excited and happy for her? But if a random person on Facebook posts the same good news your reaction is more like: stop trying to make the rest of us feel bad. Why is this? I think it’s because we have very little emotional connection to most of the people we interact with on social media. Posting and reading updates and tweets offers nowhere near the connection that an actual conversation does, and those small glimpses give us a distorted image of their reality anyway. When we’re connected to people, when we genuinely care about people, it’s easy to be happy for them, because we’re thinking more about them than about ourselves. But when we’re not connected and we don’t really care, we’re thinking more about ourselves and we respond with comparisons instead of joy. I’m not saying we should all quit social media, although I actually suspect we might be happier if we did…but I am saying if we want to stop comparing we should focus more on relationships, connections, and conversations and less on status updates. Actually connecting with people takes more effort than scrolling Facebook does, but I’m certain it will make us happier.
Printable designed by It’s Always Autumn. Free download here.
4 – Lastly, remember what is most important. We’re never going to have it all together and we’re never going to have everything we want. But that’s ok. We can keep trying for the most important things, and we can remember this: “The most important things almost always involve the people around us.” (Thomas S. Monson) Not our stuff, not our status, and not even our success.
Background image Designed by Freepik. Printable designed by It’s Always Autumn. Free download here.
Joy in life is about people. It’s about connections. It’s about creativity and kindness and a job well done. And mostly, it’s about love.
Background image Designed by Freepik. Printable designed by It’s Always Autumn. Free download here.
It is like that for me in quilting. I have started a quilt and then I will see photos online (Craftsy) of everyone else’s work and you can bet I will never stitch another seam of that quilt. Yes it is taking things too seriously but hey, we are all human.
As to social Media, I will never forget a time when I met a friend of mine in the street. She started to tell me that she was a Grandma (for the very first time!) and what came out of my mouth? ” i know, I saw it on facebook!”
Instead of sharing in her obvious delight at this wonderful event, I could see her news turn to ashes in her mouth. I have never been so ashamed nor so disappointed in myself…Ever!
From that day forward I have never been back on the news feed section of facebook. Only the sewing groups I belong to. I have ditched twitter as well. I have been much happier since and now have more time for other things. Why not try it for a week? I promise you won’t miss it. It’s just a habit
Anna
Beautifully written and sadly so true.
Apart from a couple of sewing blogs and this one
I have fought off the pressure to join social media.
I’m pretty well housebound and I’m assured that joining
will give me more friends. I only see it as giving me less
time with people who don’t really know me.
A unique, individual, creative, compassionate women
who’s every bit worth knowing in the real world.
Anna Thornton,
Maybe those quilts are better (or maybe not) but what is
for sure is they are not sewn with your love and experiences
in every stitch.
YOU are making a thing of beauty that will last for years and
be a valuable and valued treasure. Sew it with pride :~)
LC
Well said Lucy-Caitlin. My family love their quilts and not being quilters, they don’t see the mistakes so I am going to try and be more positive toward the quilting if only imperfectly lol. Thank you for your encouragement. I think you are more sensible than I was by not starting on the Facebook monster, the thief of time. Sewing blogs now… That’s different ha ha. Happy quilting
Anna
I’ve been following Autumn’s posts for a few months – started probably for a craft item as I began making home furnishings and children’s items around a year ago. I love what you do, I save a few of your ideas and today have mixed up the dough for the Artisan bread (I’ll let you know how it turns out, I’ve NEVER made bread before, but you made it seem easy!). Anyway, I felt drawn to comment on your item about comparison stealing the joy. My fella (we’re too old to call each other boyfriend/girlfriend and we’re not married or living together – suggestions please) does get jealous of other people’s good fortune, whether it’s a lovely house, a win on the lottery, whatever. My philosophy is that I have things in my life they would want, or it’s not my time (lottery)….yet. So, please Autumn, next time you find a pair of shoes/jeans/hairstyle whatever that you look in the mirror and say “Hey girl, you’re looking fine!” just believe it! You may see another person who’s thinner, taller, whatever, than you, but sincerely believe that they too are finding fault in themselves. We’re all different. And that’s a very good thing. I’m not thin, or tall, but my family, friends and fella love me for who I am. Yes, I’m working on getting fitter, but that’s a health issue, not an image issue. I know I’m not perfect – and I have days when I’m not happy with what I see in the mirror too – but I try to remember why those around me want me in their life. And I don’t do social media at all.
Jain. How about “significant other”? (Very British) or “partner” or just good old “other half” ?
I clicked to the article because I wanted to know about the shoes. I have problems finding shoes that don’t make my feet hurt after wearing them.
Love this post. So true and such a good reminder to be grateful and appreciate what we have. If we only knew, I’m sure there’s someone out there who’s comparing themselves to us!
Someone else said “Comparisons are odious.” So true! And remember that we are usually comparing our worst to their best. Nothing good will come of that, unless it motivates you enough to take a class, practice or do whatever it takes to learn and develop whatever skill you’re envious of.
Jain: how about “my man”, or “my guy” ?
Great post!
What stops me from comparing is that it never ends. No matter how slim I get, there will be women who have longer legs, a better shape, perkier breasts, etc. No matter how big my house is, there will be others that are bigger, more luxurious etc. No matter how much I make, lots of people will make more, many of them for jobs that appear less challenging. No matter how great my husband is, there will be friends’ husbands who appear more loving, attentive and good-looking.
Also, the fact is that many times when I compare I would be comparing other’s outsides with my inside. So those who seem happier, comfortable, self-confident, financially stable etc may actually be completely the opposite.
Terrific post…very moving. Thanks for sharing.
Well said, Autumn! Thanks for this important reminder!
So beautiful and meaningful! Thank you!
Such a lovely post! Your gorgeous printables are exquisitely designed. It took several tries to finish reading this post because my eyes would be drawn to a graphic, and I’d lose track of where I was reading!
As a student designer who ‘collects’ fonts, I’d love to know what font you used for the word “joy” in the first printable (pink; “Comparison is the Thief of Joy” and the words “joy” and “how good” in the fourth printable (blue: quote by Marianne Williamson) Thank you!
Thank you so much – this post contains so much truth as well as such beautiful artwork that I shared it with an online community of scrapbookers. Hopefully that will garner you some more followers for your great blog.
Anna, so glad you weren’t offended by my comments. I worried after I’d posted but as a fellow creator who sees every imperfection in my own work I wanted to reach out.
Jaime, I was in the same position as you and I called him my dearest friend, now he’s died and because after 20 years together we were planning to marry (he died 8 months to the minute that we would have married) I say I’m widowed from my Soul Mate.
Whatever you call your relationship enjoy it! With Tony there were days when I felt I could not be near him, but in my heart I knew there wasn’t a second I wanted to live without him as a part of my life. In April it will be 9 years since he died and that feeling is as true right now as it was then.
He used to refer to me as “his dear lady friend, dear but never expensive.”
What a lovely site, where the blog is uplifting and the people who comment support each other too :~)
How nice to have such lovely readers! Thanks, Lucy.
Whenever I start to feel less than someone else, for whatever reason, I read this quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson. It never fails to make me feel better, and usually brings a lump to my throat because I’m a big sissy!
”
“To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson”
This was a spot on, beautiful post by you, and I hope you find it in yourself to order those shoes again, and wear them happily!
Autum,
Thank you, thank you!!!! Your post was beautiful in so many ways. I was asked to give a talk on Finding Joy with out comparison and i was led to YOU!!! This was perfect and I used your graphics and some of your thoughts. They were perfect for me . I’m not very good on the computer, and I can’t make graphics of any kind. So I used yours >thanks again so much for sharing them and your great story and wisdom. Words cannot express my gratitude. But, thank you for being so honest and generous. May the Lord bless you with more gifts!
Thanks again,
Wendy